Phoning It In

LOLHamas.

The BBC Remains My Favorite News Source

I'll be out of town for the next four days, so don't expect any updates. Not that that's a change, really.

Nuclear Threats: A Picture Book

The BBC is really awesome about making big, abstract news stories much more digestible, usually using pretty pictures. As a follow up to last week's briefing about the whole missile defense shield brouhaha, here are some pretty pictures from the BBC that explain the heart of the conflict.


And see, this is why the BBC is great. Before I saw this, I was definitely of the "Seriously, isn't Russia just overreacting?" mindset. Then I saw this map and switched to "Holy shit, no wonder they're freaking out, we're batshit crazy."

Even better than that map, though, is today's animated illustration of how a missile defense shield works. Watch as a missile is launched by "an enemy of the US!" Very exciting. And by 'exciting,' I of course mean 'holy shit we're all going to die.'

In conclusion:
Russia = justifiably freaked
USA = batshit crazy
rest of world = doomed

Damn Straight It's Summer

Which means it must be time to break out the John Cougar Mellencamp.

Hell yeah, hurts so good.

Cold War II: Electric Boogaloo

I am totally digging this wacky Russian kerfuffle. Tension! Drama! Suspense! God, this is so awesome. For those who do not obsess over half a dozen news sources every morning, let's meet the characters.


Putin

Quote: “If part of the strategic nuclear potential of the United States finds itself in Europe and, according to our military experts, threatens us, then we will have to take corresponding retaliatory steps. What are these steps? Of course, we will have to have new targets in Europe.”

Role in the debate: The crazy guy with the gun.

Why he's awesome: Everyone's thinking it, but he says it. Also is not at all hesitant to drag us all right back into a Cold War.

Bonus: His assassinations are straight out of a John Le Carre novel. Someone's been doing his Cold War homework!


Bush

Quote: "My message will be: 'Vladimir -- I call him Vladimir -- you shouldn't fear a missile defense system. As a matter of fact, why don't you cooperate with us on a missile defense system? Why don’t you participate with the United States?'”

Role in the debate: Comic relief.

Why he's awesome: He seems totally shocked by Russia's reaction to having really big missiles pointed in its direction. What? What do you mean, someone's going to lose an eye? Awww, you never let me have any fun.

Bonus: "Vlad— can I call you Vlad? No? Oh."


Nato

Quote:President Putin's comments are "unhelpful and unwelcome."

Role in the debate: Ineffectual ombudsman.

Why it's awesome: The soundbites always sound like a scolding mother.

Bonus: None, really; I imagine it will just continue to issue statements without actually doing anything.


Sarkozy

Quote:He will have "frank talks" with Putin.

Role in the debate: Bartender, fueling the fight with booze.

Why he's awesome: See "bartender" above.

Bonus: France + military issues = instant hilarity.


Kaczynski

Quote: "This is language which has never been used by Yeltsin, nor Gorbachev and not even Brezhnev... This is the language of Khrushchev."

Role in the debate: Panicky hostage who gets shot in the first scene.

Why he's awesome: Obviously now is the time to whip everyone into a frenzy!

Bonus: No one knows who this guy is (PM of Poland, FYI), but he is clearly all! fired! up!


Blair

Quote: ...

Role in the debate: Three blocks over having a spot of tea.

Why he's awesome: He has clearly embraced his lame duck status; I haven't heard a single peep from him.

Bonus: Maybe he'll invite everyone over for tea.


Anyway, this has the potential to be my favorite political situation yet. Fingers crossed we keep being assholes and Russia keeps drifting toward a totalitarian regime!

So That Happened

Last night a wild cocktail party broke out on my porch. It started with, "hey, why don't you stop by for a glass of wine?," progressed to offers to procure illegal drugs, and ended with someone communing with a bathroom floor (his, not mine). If you realize I was the youngest in the room by twelve years and the majority of participants were my parents' age, you have some idea of the humor inherent in the evening.

I thought I was doing pretty well on the whole not-getting-shitfaced front myself, at least in comparison to the other party goers. Sure, I was pretty tipsy, but I had carried a conversation just fine, managed to excuse myself to go to bed without incident, and even managed to begin a new book before going to sleep. The book was my one mistake: I had clearly picked up something very complex and nuanced that deserved my attention once I was sober. Oh well, I'd look at it the next day.

I woke up this morning, puttered around, eschewed breakfast, and picked up the book to see if I had overestimated its difficulty while in my cups.

It turns out it was not so much "complex and nuanced" as "half in French."

Well. Maybe a little more shitfaced than I originally estimated.

Great Advertising

I spend a lot of time staring at advertising on my way to and from work, as there's not a whole lot to do on public transit if you're not feeling up to juggling a book or newspaper while desperately trying to hold onto a sheer wall with only your pinky finger. I haven't noticed any fantastic big brand campaigns lately, but I have giggled maniacally at two home-grown campaigns.

1. Enjoy Illinois

Not all of them are quite as funny as the one posted at the bus stop near my office, but they are eye-catching and marvelously creative. The one near my office, however, dissolves me every time:

Okay, I'm not proud that it makes me laugh, but there you go. Stubborn grass stains! The mortal enemy of white squirrels! Come on, that's funny.

2. The Southside Chicago Board of Tourism

This campaign, on the other hand, is hilarious, and if you don't laugh you clearly don't have any sense of humor. "Is the southside in a different time zone? You know, like Michigan is."

Do click around the links at the top of that page to learn the answers to important questions like "What exactly is a parking space?" and "How do I get to the southside?"

I particularly recommend clicking on Refer a Friend and choosing the "I have no friends" option. Very amusing.