Cold War II: Electric Boogaloo

I am totally digging this wacky Russian kerfuffle. Tension! Drama! Suspense! God, this is so awesome. For those who do not obsess over half a dozen news sources every morning, let's meet the characters.


Putin

Quote: “If part of the strategic nuclear potential of the United States finds itself in Europe and, according to our military experts, threatens us, then we will have to take corresponding retaliatory steps. What are these steps? Of course, we will have to have new targets in Europe.”

Role in the debate: The crazy guy with the gun.

Why he's awesome: Everyone's thinking it, but he says it. Also is not at all hesitant to drag us all right back into a Cold War.

Bonus: His assassinations are straight out of a John Le Carre novel. Someone's been doing his Cold War homework!


Bush

Quote: "My message will be: 'Vladimir -- I call him Vladimir -- you shouldn't fear a missile defense system. As a matter of fact, why don't you cooperate with us on a missile defense system? Why don’t you participate with the United States?'”

Role in the debate: Comic relief.

Why he's awesome: He seems totally shocked by Russia's reaction to having really big missiles pointed in its direction. What? What do you mean, someone's going to lose an eye? Awww, you never let me have any fun.

Bonus: "Vlad— can I call you Vlad? No? Oh."


Nato

Quote:President Putin's comments are "unhelpful and unwelcome."

Role in the debate: Ineffectual ombudsman.

Why it's awesome: The soundbites always sound like a scolding mother.

Bonus: None, really; I imagine it will just continue to issue statements without actually doing anything.


Sarkozy

Quote:He will have "frank talks" with Putin.

Role in the debate: Bartender, fueling the fight with booze.

Why he's awesome: See "bartender" above.

Bonus: France + military issues = instant hilarity.


Kaczynski

Quote: "This is language which has never been used by Yeltsin, nor Gorbachev and not even Brezhnev... This is the language of Khrushchev."

Role in the debate: Panicky hostage who gets shot in the first scene.

Why he's awesome: Obviously now is the time to whip everyone into a frenzy!

Bonus: No one knows who this guy is (PM of Poland, FYI), but he is clearly all! fired! up!


Blair

Quote: ...

Role in the debate: Three blocks over having a spot of tea.

Why he's awesome: He has clearly embraced his lame duck status; I haven't heard a single peep from him.

Bonus: Maybe he'll invite everyone over for tea.


Anyway, this has the potential to be my favorite political situation yet. Fingers crossed we keep being assholes and Russia keeps drifting toward a totalitarian regime!