An Open Letter

To the Gentleman Sitting Across from Me On The Train This Morning Who Obviously Dressed To the Left,

I didn't mean to stare, and I tried not to be obvious about it, but I was quite distracted by the empathic panic I felt for your current, past, and future lovers. I can see that you weren't purposely drawing attention to yourself; your pants, on most other men, would have been entirely modest. And while, of course, it is possible that you were receiving an additional boost from an entire package of tube socks, your casual demeanor and lack of obvious narcissism indicated to me that the contents were entirely god-given.

It was purely bad luck that you happened to be sitting under an advertisement for pistachios that touted the tagline "Grab our nuts."

I thought I was doing quite well adopting the thousand-yard-stare of the iPoded commuter, but I was considerable disquieted when you stood up to ready yourself for exiting. Was it entirely necessary, I wondered, for your hips to twist in quite that direction? While I was glad to verify my original deduction of 100% organic, I found the free range aspect slightly alarming.

Please, sir, consider adding a bit more discretion to your morning routine. While I am strong of heart and lung, I have noticed several ladies of advanced years on my morning commute who might not be equally able to cope with such a revelation.

With Affection,
P&G