And Here I Thought I Was In Training

How To Injure Yourself Opening A Bottle Of Wine:
A Pintles and Gudgeons Educational Moment

1. Invite a friend or two over: an audience is key to your subsequent inability to deny that the event ever occurred.

2. Offer your guest(s) a cocktail; mix one for yourself as well.

3. Have another cocktail.

4. Consider a third cocktail: while recommended, this round is not required and should be considered in relation to your own tolerance for alcohol, as you must still be able to operate a corkscrew following consumption.

5. Propose switching to wine. Ready the glasses and find your waiter's pull.

6. Peel the foil away from the cork. You may wish to use the point of your corkscrew to facilitate the process.

7. Insert corkscrew and affix leverage device. Pull.

8. Pull some more. Complain to your guest(s) that "this cork is damn stubborn."

9. Turn down offers of assistance.

10. Place bottle between your feet, using said appendages to hold the bottle in place.

11. Pull again, this time using all available muscle groups. Scream in pain as one muscle in your shoulder makes an odd popping noise and forces you to hunch forward.

12. Pour yourself some anesthetic and complain about how your wine-opening muscles should be in better shape than this considering how much you drink.

Congratulations! You're now ready to injure yourself while opening a bottle of wine. May I recommend a Burgundy?